Ella Grace Part 2

We were scheduled to be at the hospital at 6 am on Thursday March 04, 2010 with the understanding that they would administer a drug vaginally that would cause my cervix to begin to dilate. I would be given sedatives and pain medication as needed. We were also told that we would administer the medicine every 4 hours, but if we didn’t make enough “progress” they would send us home and we would try again in a week. That seemed like an impossibly hard feat so we begged everyone to pray that it would happen that day. A insisted on an ultrasound before the first dose was administered and, of course, the prognosis had not changed.

We were surrounded by family and friends that entire day. People came to see us and brought flowers & more importantly love and support. My Pepaw was there and he may never know how much it meant to me for him to be there. He and I have always had a special bond. He currently has 7 great grandsons and he was so sure that it would be me that would finally give him a great-granddaughter. (Even as I write this it breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes). The whole day is kind of a blurry memory because of the medicine. I slept on and off until the pain started to get more intense.

Let me take a side note to say how amazing our nurses were. The nurse, who checked us in, Courtney, shared with us that she had just gone through this exact same experience not long ago and she was very good at letting us know exactly what to expect. She was the night nurse so at 7 am we got a new, day nurse. Jaime was also incredible. She will forever hold a place in my heart as the person who helped deliver our precious Ella Grace straight from her Mommy to her Maker.

Around 6 p.m. I felt a rush and knew that the time was coming. A had just stepped out of the room to speak with some men from our Sunday School class so I asked my MIL to please grab him. Jaime checked me and let me know that it was time. She had just given me some medicine for the pain and also for the nausea so I was beginning to feel the effects and felt like I couldn’t hold my eyes open. I remember pushing and clinging to A as I did what felt like the impossible. I think that because of the medicine and my groggy state it still all feels like a dream. She was delivered and I kept asking if it was a boy or a girl. The nurse said she would get the baby cleaned up and then they would talk to us. At one point I heard the nurse ask someone else to put “her” on the tray beside the bed and I knew that my baby was a girl. That we had given my Pepaw and the rest of our families the baby girl they all desperately wanted. I slept for a little while and cried a whole lot. They then brought her into our room in this tiny, white Moses basket. She was the most beautiful and heartbreaking thing I had ever seen. She was born at 6:18 pm, weighed 11.3 oz and was 11 in long.

I held the basket and told her how sorry I was and how much I loved her. I asked A to let everyone know that she was here and that if parents and grandparents wanted to see her they could. Some wanted to and others didn’t and that was okay. Everyone’s heart was broken. For several weeks after she was delivered I really beat myself up about the fact that I didn’t take her out of the basket and unwrap her and look at her. I felt horribly guilty that I never actually kissed her and never felt the weight of her body on my chest. I have since resolved that guilt and realized that God was probably protecting me. I got to see her peaceful and beautiful and in truth her body was broken and sad. I don’t have any bad memories of those images and for that I am thankful. Jamie was so kind and got her hand and foot prints for us. Most of the pregnancy when people asked me what I wanted, boy or girl, my response was 10 fingers and 10 toes. I got exactly what I asked for. She had the most perfect 10 fingers and 10 toes. (Next time I will be more specific about what I am asking for!)

When we were released from the hospital the next day we decided to spend a few nights at my parent’s house. We needed the help physically and emotionally. Once there we had to make some serious decisions about Ella Grace’s service. Honestly, I don’t even remember how most of the decisions were made I only know that everything was as perfect as it could have been. Her full name was Eleanor Grace, named after A’s sweet Grandma who passed away shortly after we married. Our Ella Grace is buried next to her great-grandma and name sake. We only invited family to the service and we sung Amazing Grace. The same man who married A & I did her service and I hear it was beautiful. I don’t remember anything about that day except for sitting in that chair looking at a tiny, white casket that held all of my hopes and dreams. There were perfect, pink roses which seemed so out of place at such a horrible place. Later A told someone, “I have seen some really tough stuff in my life, but there is nothing like seeing a 2 ft casket with your Baby Girl in it that will bring you to your knees.”

The next days are a blur. I know that there was an outpouring of love & support from friends, family, and even some “strangers.” A had gotten a call the day we were in the hospital for a job interview. He asked them if he could postpone it for a week and they agreed. He eventually got the job, which was such a blessing. We received money, which was much needed, from places that were so unexpected and proved such blessing. It was amazing that as much as God was on my list…he was also blessing us beyond understanding and he continues to do so, even through my questioning, complaining, lack of faith, and just plain stubbornness. What a mighty God we serve!