It's been a little quiet around here and I am sorry. I just have been struggling with the direction of the blog. I have spent the last several days really down...like crying several times a day, down. I know it's just the combination of this week marking Ella Grace's 2 month "Angelversary," the backlash from last week's wedding, Mother's Day coming up, and just the normal cycles that grief takes us on, but it's been hard and ugly.
I was telling "A" about it last night and that I didn't feel like I could blog about it because I didn't want this space to turn into some sad, dreary, whiney place. That I wanted to keep it positive and keep the focus on the good that Ella Grace brought us and sweet "A" said just the right thing. He reminded me that it has to be "organic." That the blog isn't for anyone but me and if I am feeling sad, dreary and whiney then it's okay. Gosh, I love that man!!
Between that and hearing from my sweet friend, Keisha (not her real name, but my IRL people know who I am talking about) last night I am positive that I can roll around in this grief a little more, get it all over me, and when I am ready I can get up, wash it off, and choose a happier day...but not until I am ready.
I am also anxious about getting our results from our blood tests back. I know it's only been a week, but we had made the decision not to try again until we got those results back and now I am anxious. I know that no baby will ever replace our first born, our precious Ella Grace. Ever. But I thnk that moving forward will include trying to have another baby.
I have a confession to make. Hi, my name is Brittany and I am a "do-er." I like, no, need, to have projects going. I feel like I am constantly looking for something to do. A craft project, a personal enrichment project, a family project...just something to do. The problem is that I am not very "crafty" and I have a terrible time following through. And that just leads me to feel like I failed...and as a perfectionist, that's terrible! How can I be a perfectionist that doesn't follow through?!?! I am such a dichotomy and a mess!
But know what, that's who I am! And "A" and my family and my friends love me in spite of myself!
So...now that this post has been all over the place. Happy Friday and love a Mommy this weekend.
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11 rose petals:
Nice to meet you sweet Brittany :)
Sadly after the loss of both parents, my last remaining grandparent and best friend all within 7 years, I know grief. I am very familiar with the long and winding road that it takes you on. There are good days and bad, ups and downs and everything in between. And most importantly, it's ok to walk that path with each of us. We as women who have lost can't help what we feel. What is important is that we desire to move forward and pick ourselves up after "enough." I can't speak for anyone else but I would really worry about you if everything you shared in your blog was just "rosy" because what you've been through isn't rosy. So, bring the good days and the bad, the projects in all status modes from to do, pending, forgotten, completed, etc. I look forward to walking along side of you no matter what it is that you are doing. I hope tomorrow is a better day. (((HUGS)))
In the beginning, it is very hard to go from week to week. You gradually learn how to take one moment at a time, and work to the best of your ability to get through that moment. That's all that you are able to do. When Isaiah first passed away, I had to take my days minute by minute. Every way I turned, there was a new emotion waiting for me.
Don't worry about what you write on YOUR BLOG..... it's yours. ;)
Hi Brittany , hi sweet friend .
Dont worry about being negative and full of contradictions .
Your loss is so recent and still so painful .You have all the right in the world to have moments of crying and being down .Know that it wont last forever but it takes some time to heal ( it doesnt happen as quick as we would wish for ....)
This month it will be a year after my loss and I feel much better than I did just a few months after it but I still have days when I feel sad and worried but I have more and more good days .
I hope and pray that your test results will be good and that you can start a new chapter trying to conceive again .
Its also very good that you get support from your husband as its not obvious because men grief different than woman many times and there can be some misunderstandings .
Sending you hugs and love - Angie
Britt, don't blog for us, blog for you. This is a place for you to write all of your feelings. Happy,sad whatever you're feeling. You need to get it out and we're here to listen and give you e-hugs. I actually really enjoy reading your blog because you are so honest with how you're feeling. Life isn't full of puppies and rainbows and it's okay.
Maggs
1) It is perfectly OK for you to come to this blog and be down. It's YOUR blog!
2) I hear you on the "do-er" thing, and I have the same problem with following through. I have started so many projects or hobbies in the last year and given up on nearly all of them before they were complete. Sewing, guitar playing, growing vegetables. Sheesh, I feel like I haven't gotten anything done!
We love you! Be NICE to yourself!
Our blogs are our space to get it all out! I felt the same as you, I wanted to make my blog a positive place for other moms to go to, but after a while I realized that even if I vented or cried or was feeling really down, that it was a release for me to write about it...and I got amazing support all the way through.
Let yourself have those down days. They are hard to endure, but unfortunately we need to feel them before we can come out feeling lifted...the good ones will come again. Let yourself go through the grieving process...you are doing as great as a grieving mommy can.
Big hugs!!
I choose to love and think of you this weekend. I know you are feeling down but you should celebrate motherhood this weekend in your own way. You are a mommy too.
Love you
Krista
Sending you more love and praying that your spirits are lifted, as I WILL continue to LIFT YOU UP :)
You're never alone sweet friend...never, as we are here to walk this journey with you.
Remembering Ella Grace along with my sweet boy Christian, in this very moment and all days forward.
Much more Love,
Andrea
xoxo
ps I will send you some seeds to plant in a porch pot :) More love and more hugs.
um...how did i not know you had a blog. i love it. no matter what mood you are in. that's what it's for sister! :) love you so much. thinking of you this weekend. you're amazing.
this blog is for your heart... :) honor your heart- and your daughter... :) be real..... you'll have good days and tough ones... blog about both, it's ok.
thinking of you this weekend.... happy mother's day, you're a beautiful mommy!
I agree with everyone Britt. It's okay for your blog to be about some of the harder days you have. It's real and it's something I guess we just have to walk through on this unfortunate journey.
I will think of you tomorrow and am sending a big virtual hug to you!
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