Whew, I did it.

"A" and I have been tossing around the notion of when we want to start "trying" again. 

There are so many things to consider.  We want to buy a house in the next year (or so).  We want to allow ourselves to grieve fully.  We want to be able to be in the best place possible, emotionally.  We want to be in the center of God's will.  We want to NOT be too old to have babies! (The last one is added by me, not the hubs!).  But mainly, we want to be in the center of God's will.  That's what it comes down to.  I desperately want a baby.  While I was pregnant with Ella Grace I was reminded of how much the desire to be a mommy is within me.  I had pushed it down for almost a full year and had almost convinced myself that maybe not having children was best...then came Ella Grace. 

 I loved being pregnant.  I mean, like crazy lady, loved being pregnant.  I kept telling "A" that I would probably be one of those ladies who wanted to get knocked up again as soon as possible just so I could be pregnant!!  It is the very closest to being God possible for me.  It's the closest I will ever come to being part of a miracle.  It's beautiful.  Maybe it's because I had already lost 2 babies, but I was thrilled with it!  I didn't really mind being exhausted, pukey (is that a word?!) or HUGE (and let me tell ya, I was am huge!)  I loved it!  And it reinforced how badly I want to be a Mommy! 

I want to have noses to wipe and hands to hold and fears to soothe.  I want read bed time stories and give baths and say prayers.  I want to have pancake breakfasts and weekend trips and slip and slides in the back yard.  I want it so badly!  I want to be able to have a baby in this world to take care of, not just ones that are in heaven!  I want to have the honor of telling a child about Jesus and seeing them one day take the walk down the aisle at church to become a believer.  I want to sit in the pews at church and bawl my eyes out with pride as I watch my baby get baptised.  I want to sit through countless school "programs" and PTA meetings and teacher conferences.  I even want to have to get on to a kiddo.  To know that they are living life FULLY (even when it's driving me a little crazy!).

All of this to say that I started birth control tonight.  We talked about it and decided that right now it is best for our family if we wait a little while before we start trying again.  We want to be emotionally healthy, financially healthy, spiritually healthy and physically healthy.   It was hard!   I thought I was going to be sick, but I know it is the best decision we can make.  It's not a permanent decision and we can change our mind at any time.  But right now our plan is to wait about a year and then try again. 

I can tell you this...we will have a baby when God is ready to give us one!