Outpouring of my heart

I have been debating for about a week if I should write this post or not, but after the day I have had I just need to pour out my heart...so here goes.  I am just going to type out a "stream of consciousnesses" and we will see where it gets me.

For a couple of weeks I have really felt like God has been working on my heart and telling me that I need to be doing something different.  I feel like He wants for me to be ministering to women  who are hurting.  Specifically there has been a ministry locally that has been on my mind and I really felt like God was pushing me towards them.  I had tried to do some research and  find out what ministry opportunities they had, but had not been successful.  I did however find an email address for their director.  After some prayer and feeling like God wouldn't let it go I decided to email the director and see what she had to say about some ministry opportunities.  She seemed enthused about meeting with me and I was excited.  I set up a meeting.  The day of the meeting I was excited, but nervous (it was the day after I had seen the co-worker fall in the parking lot).  Long story short I didn't get to meet with the director, but instead met with her "assistant."  This assistant is an LPC and was supposed to be "great."  She had another appointment so I knew my time was limited, but after only meeting with me for about 10 minutes she asked me where I thought I was in my grieving process.  I told her that burying a baby is the most painful experience I had ever been through, but that I thought that God had brought me through it so that I could minister to other women who were hurting and that Ella Grace had fulfilled her purpose.  I thought that I accepted what God had done and that I was certain that He had great things to bring from it.  This lady looked at me and told me that she felt that I was in denial and that I couldn't already be to acceptance in just 3 months and she felt I still had some "issues" to work through and that perhaps I was too "eager."
1. I don't have my LPC, but I am pretty sure that grief is a process and that I will never stop grieving Ella Grace
2. I have never heard of ANYONE putting a time frame on grief, be it 2 months or 2 years
3. I have never been heard of anyone being too eager to serve God and to help others through their own pain.
I think that she may have had good intentions and I know that it has not been very long since I lost Ella Grace, but I also know God is calling me to serve Him in spite of my pain.  I don't want to get in the way of that. 

Then today was horrible.  I was humiliated by a complete stranger.  I am not a skinny girl, we have talked about this, and I am on my way to get healthy again.  But I don't think I am offensively overweight and even if I were, what happened today was horrible.  To get to work I have walk across a fairly busy road that is 4 lanes and a turn lane.  I do it every day without incident.  None of us use the "crosswalk" as it is more dangerous than crossing in the middle of the road.  There is no actual pedestrian light and the street lights are timed poorly for foot traffic.  Today, as I was on my into the office, I was standing in the turn lane waiting for traffic to clear.  The west bound light had turned green and all of the traffic had gone except for one lingering car.  This car was the last one and I was patiently waiting, in the turn lane for this car (in the farthest lane) to pass when he stopped in the middle of the road.  This grown man  then leaned out of his car and yelled at me, "Hey, do you know where the cross walk is?  You need to walk your fat a-- down to there and use it because your fat a-- could use the f---- exercise."  Now mind you...I was not in his lane, not impeding his progress, not affecting his day in any way.  I was completely taken aback.  I could not believe the complete assault that I was receiving from a complete stranger.  I can't imagine what could be going on in this man's life that could make him so miserable and so full of hate that he would feel the need to be so hateful and ugly to a complete stranger.  I felt humiliated and violated and scared.  It was really a strange and haunting experience.  I can't even explain it.  I hesitated to even write about it because I truly feel humiliated by it, but I don't want to give him any more power.  (Oh,  and by the way, we saw another elderly lady fall in a parking lot on Saturday!)

So, this has been the negativity that has been going on in my head and heart the last week or so.  I just feel attacked by it.  It seems like the closer it gets to Ella Grace's due date the harder the days get.  And now I feel anxiety just thinking about crossing the street to get to work!  I just wish I could stay curled up in bed with my precious "A" and our sweet little dog and that the big bad world would leave us alone!