Last night,
lying in bed.
sobbing,
in the very early hours of this new day,
litterally writhing in pain as it felt like my heart was breaking,
missing her,
wishing for a different end to this story,
aching for the weight of her body,
reliving the initial pain of the first few days after she was gone,
unable to breathe,
begging God for just 5 minutes with her,
feeling guilty for keeping "A" up...again,
I remembered....this is all part of my new normal.
Rough night.
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18 rose petals:
I'm so sorry. Praying for you.
So sorry. So very, very sorry.
*tears* Sweetest Friend, oh how I now what that feels like to lay on a sodden pillow with a weary heart, begging God to just make things right. He hears our prayers Britt, he does, and I know that you know that, as you are faithful, but the agony is overwhelming.
Give yourself a pass and don't feel guilty for keeping "A" up last night, as you are both in this together. You grieve together, you heal together and you honor Ella Grace, together. You are very early in this process and I marvel at how well you are doing, as it reminds me so much of myself. In the early days after Christian's loss I willed myself forward, made strides to find the good in every day and search for the blessings and know the promise of tomorrow. I distracted myself, immersed myself in work and anything else that could occupy my mind....
BUT
The nights were the worst. My body was weary and wanted rest, but my mind only longed for my child. It's been a year for me now and I still long for him...I always will. And, I still have those weepy, sodden pillow nights. Just this weekend I purchased a box of Kleenex, as the box on my night table was empty. When I put the box in my shopping cart I realized that "I'd bought more Kleenex in the past year than I've bought in a lifetime". And, I've shed more tears as well.
However, on a happier note, tears are cleansing. For me, tensions and hurts are released in those tears...or Gods Holy Water. I read a quote that said "tears put into words what the heart can not".
Thinking of you today and lifting you up to our Heavenly Father. God lay your hands Britt today and in the days moving forward. Help to soothe her empty heart and provide her with peace. Hold her hand as she steps forward, embrace her and may she feel your presence. Amen.
xoxo
andrea
ps If you need anything, I'm here.
Extra prayers and much love to you my sweet friend.
xoxoxo
I am so very sorry. Thinking of and praying for you. xo
Yes, the nights are the worst... when you are alone with your thoughts, memories.. I'm sorry it was a tough one. I remember all too well and still find the nights difficult.
Strength to you.
((hugs)) Thinking of you.
Bigs hugs to you darling. Thinking about you.
I cried for my Isaiah last night too. I haven't cried like that in a long time.
((hugs))
I am so sorry :( I still have these nights and days even a full year later..praying for peace for you..xo
I'm so sorry... I agree nights after loss can seem so much worse. But sometimes I feel better afterwards. As well as one can feel, I suppose.
So, so familiar. Feels like a brick building is just laying on your chest and you can't breathe because the sobbing is so heavy.
Dear one, so sorry last night was rough. Praying for some rest and peace today--and for God to wrap His arms around you with His comfort.
xoxo
Sending loving hugs to you. I'm sorry it was such a rough night.
so sorry you had a sad night .
Just know its ok and normal as not much time has passed since your loss.
Sometimes its good to let your tears out .
Its probably a part of the healing proces . I still cry sometimes even more than one year after my loss.
I will pray for you and for your heart to heal
wow...just found you on my list of followers and started reading your story. heartbreaking. you are definitely in my prayers. it did make me wonder if you've been to angie smith's site, bring the rain? she is an amazingly inspirational woman and has suffered some of your pain. you may want to check her out.
i'll be checkin' back on you to see how you're doin' and sendin my prayers up for you!
It's so hard to find words to say other than I'm sorry, and I'm praying for you and your aching heart.
I'm so sorry you had a rough night. It's amazing how easily we are transported to those critical moments and relive the pain as if it just happened. I do pray that these times become less and less frequent for you. It won't mean that you love Ella Grace any less. Just that your new normal won't be as painful as you slowly heal. big hugs to you my friend. I'm praying for you!
I'm so sorry I wasn't around! I'd have let you keep me up instead of A, since I'm a night owl anyway! I love you and am praying for you all the time!
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