Vocabulary Lesson

This morning, while I was doing my quite time I was thinking about Ella Grace (of course) and about how much life is different than it was 3 months ago. I was thinking about how even my language is different. In different sports and professions people have “jargon.” Dictionary.com defines jargon as: the language, esp. the vocabulary, peculiar to a particular trade, profession, or group.



My new normal has its own jargon. Words and phrases that I never uttered or even knew existed before. Before, before Ella Grace. Before, life changed forever.


Baby loss Mommy- this is a mother who has lost her baby. Seems simple enough, but that phrase tells of more pain and hurt and also of more camaraderie and support than words could ever convey. These are some of the strongest, bravest, most broken women you will ever know…please, if you encounter one of these women, handle them with care and hug them often. Watch your words. Don’t treat them like they will break (I promise, they are much stronger than you will ever know), but be mindful of the fact that they are hurting even through their smiles and tough exteriors.


Angel Baby- the definition of an angel baby is a baby that has gone on to be with God long before his/her Mommy thinks it’s time. An angel baby has left’s his/her mommy’s arms empty and heart broken. An angel baby has no age…they could have been with us for moments or months. The baby loss Mommy could have held them in her arms and heard their cries or the only evidence could be a positive pregnancy test…the pain is the same. Angel babies are the cause of Baby loss Mommies.


Ella Grace’s Spot- this phrase is specific to my normal. I can’t seem to be able to say certain words in reference to my baby. Grave is one of them. Baby and grave, specifically, MY baby and grave don’t go in the same sentence. When we go and visit her and spend time with her and take her flowers…it’s at her “spot.” Isn’t that a nicer, softer way of saying the same thing? Isn’t that a nice euphemism? It almost makes it sound like a place I want to spend time, instead of a place that I hate. Ella Grace’s spot, I guess the definition of this would be a place where this baby loss Mommy goes to help feel connected to her angel baby and where she tries to assuage some of her guilt. A place where she talks and cries and mourns. A place where it seems that heaven and earth and sometimes even the hell/agony that is on earth all meet.


Stillborn- born still. That is just an ugly word. It sounds so peaceful. Let me tell you, there was nothing peaceful about March 4, 2010 at 6:18 p.m. There was turmoil in my soul and pain in my body and if felt that the world had opened up and was swallowing me. It still was a foreign word to me before Ella Grace. I knew it existed, but I had myself convinced that if we made it past the “danger zone” (you know, 12 weeks) everything was fine!


Angelversary- I am not sure where this word came from. If I stole it from you, please accept my sincerest apologies, I am sure I am not clever enough to have invented it myself. I have a really hard time knowing what to call March 4, 2010 (and consequently the 4th of every month since). That was the day that Ella Grace was delivered. It is not her “birth” day. Birth seems to be associated with life and unfortunately, our Ella Grace was born still. I like to say she was “delivered from my body straight into her Maker’s hands.” That’s another nice euphemism. That sounds much nicer than stillborn. Anniversary doesn’t have the right sound to it either. What is the anniversary of? Her death? Nope, can’t say that. That’s way too harsh and ugly and I can’t think of my baby like that. And yet, every 30 days or so I am faced with the 4th. The marking of another month since she left my body. Angelversary sounds kind of corny and I am pretty sure I can visibly see “A” cringe every time I say it, but I can’t come up with anything else. (I am open to suggestions)


Blog- I had heard of blogs and had even started one years ago (very short lived and have NO idea what I wrote about!). I had read a few big ones (Kelle, The Pioneer Woman (Ree Drummond), Heir To Blair) but really didn’t get it, but that was before. Now that I have officially joined the blogosphere, I get it! Blogging isn’t just about writing down your every thought and getting it out. It isn’t about reading some “strangers” every thought. It’s about developing real connections with women who have been through real struggles. Some of them I can relate to…some of their stories have nothing similar to mine, but they are AMAZING women and I learn from them and I am encouraged by them daily.


As it gets closer and closer to Ella Grace’s due date (and subsequently, my birthday) my heart gets heavier and heavier. I know this all part of living in Holland, but I seem to be in a little bit of a funk and have a bit of a black cloud over my heart today. Eh, it happens, I know.


I have a very busy week ahead of me and I am so thankful that tomorrow I get to attend a Glory Babies meeting. I hope your day is beautiful and that you can find some good in your Holland today!