How has the changing of seasons (from summer to fall) impacted you in your grief journey?
I hadn't really thought about it until I saw the prompt, but it really has. I have noticed that I have been really down the last week or so and I think it does have to do with the changing of the season. The decorations changing and the weather starting to change (not so much here in Texas) and the atmosphere in general starting to shift. Fall represents so many things for me...football season, thanksgiving, Halloween at my parents, fall festivals, crafts. There are lots of things I was looking forward to doing with a new baby (which I know I have kind of worn that topic out lately, but it's been so heavily on my heart), but also, this is the time when we got pregnant.
Ella Grace was conceived in October. We found out we were pregnant with her in the fall. We told our families we were pregnant in the fall. The excitement built in the fall.
We also were pregnant with NuNu in the fall. We found out on November 3 that we were pregnant with NuNu (and November 4 was Peanut's EDD that would forever go unfulfilled) We were supposed to tell our extended families at Thanksgiving about Peanut, but we couldn't.
The fall is a dichotomy. There are happy memories, but as with most of my happy memories they are overshadowed by sadness. There is joy in thinking about how excited we were in the news that we were once again expecting (this last fall) and the peace we felt. The certainty I felt that this was a baby that God was going to give us. The sureness, almost smugness, I felt...this baby was going to be okay...this time I would get to bring a baby home. And there is complete heartbreak in knowing that in the spring that smugness would be replaced with foolish brokenness as we once again came home with empty arms.
I feel like every season, right now, has bad memories and reason to mourn. Fall (for the reasons above), winter is hard because the holidays are so empty without our 3 babies, spring will be hard because first we lost our Peanut and then we lost our Ella Grace and Summer is when we were supposed to meet our Ella Grace and bring her home.
The changing of every season brings new heartache and new grief, but also, new hope. I must create new reasons to celebrate and move forward (NEVER on, but always forward). I must pick myself up (even after days like today when all I want to do is just crawl into bed with some chocolate and never come out!) and choose to look for the joy in fall and in a couple of months I will find the joy in winter and then spring and on and on and on until the day Jesus calls me home and I get to meet Ella Grace, Peanut and NuNu.
Forever Her Mommy,
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9 rose petals:
This is a beautiful post and very well written. It is so hard when we think back on the times when we were excited about being pregnant and how happy everyone in our families were. I completely feel you on this, I really do.
~Emily
This is a beautiful post and very well written. It is so hard when we think back on the times when we were excited about being pregnant and how happy everyone in our families were. I completely feel you on this, I really do.
~Emily
So happy to have found your blog too. I like how you said each new season brings hope. It's true and sometimes it is hard to trust that. For fear that new heartache will come again.
Seasons bring about such reflection, just as you have so eloquently described. I can not imagine how the change of seasons hurts your heart and I am so very sorry. You have such a beautiful spirit Brittney and you always look forward through your pain to find the Joy in today.
Yes, those days when we want to put or jammies back on and climb into be and start again tomorrow are days that we are tested the hardest. But, as you say, you can't give in to the temptation...instead, we trudge forward.
Sending you love this very moment and praying for "your season of Joy" to arrive very soon.
xoxoxo
Praying for you in this tough season.
I left you a blog award on my blog. http://mymusingsd.blogspot.com/2010/09/my-first-blog-award.html
I think it's good to create new & happy memories even though we know there will always be a twinge of sadness in them.
I feel the same about the seasons being bittersweet--there's so much good and happy to remember...and so many reminders of what is not and what we miss so desperately.
Always those should have beens....
Always keeping you lifted and sending lots of love!
This hit close to home for me but for different reasons. I remember the first summer after I adopted my son he began to act out a little. It took me awhile to connect that this was the time of year when I adopted him. In speaking with others about it, it was often believed that the season was a reminder for him of the joy of the adoption but also the things he lost at that time as well. It was bittersweet for him as well but he was simply too little to understand the connection.
I do like that you include "hope" in your post. You are so strong and I can only imagine it would be all too easy to have all of the heartache that you have been through to stifle that. I hope you find many reasons to celebrate this year!!
Beautiful... and so true.
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