Grief for others

Sometimes, like today, my grief has a whole different dimension.  It hurts just as deeply, but it's different.  It's a grief for the other people in my life who are missing out on knowing and loving Ella Grace.  I feel like I got to know her best.  I held her every moment that she was on this earth and I got to have the most connection to her.  That is a double edged sword.  Sometimes I think it's why it hurts so badly to have lost her. 

Today, as we were sitting in church, the man sitting in front of us looked down the  pew towards his little girl.  The girl was probably somewhere around 4.  You could tell the moment she entered his sight, because his whole body changed.  There was a tenderness in his eyes and a softness entered his face.  It was really touching.  She wasn't doing anything special.  She was just sitting in church and yet it affected him deeply...so deeply that a stranger could read it on his face.  "A" will never get to experience that tenderness with Ella Grace.  I grieve so many things that "A" will miss out on that he probably doesn't even know how special they are because he has never been in a father/daughter relationship.  Only a daddy who has daughters and a daughter can know just how special that bond is.  I can't even explain how special of a bond I have with my Daddy.  It breaks my heart.  And I know that we may have other daughters that he will have a special bond with, but it will be different because pieces of that bond were buried with our first daughter. 

I am also grieving for my parents.  I have seen all over facebook in the last 2 days that today is "grandparents" day.  Both of my parents have facebook accounts and as soon as I saw the status updates of others announcing that it was grandparents day and that you should repost this if your parents are wonderful grandparents, etc. I wanted to protect my parents from seeing it.  My heart became heavy.  My parents were so excited about becoming Queenie and Poppy to Ella Grace.  My dad had already decided that animal crackers were going to be "his thing" and that every time that baby came over he was going to have a great big tub of animal crackers.  And that they would always think about their Poppy when the baby would have animal crackers (how precious is that).  And my mom wanted her own day.  She thought that Thursdays could be her day.  Every Thursday she could pick the baby up from day care or school and they could have a special day every week.  They had made shirts for our gender reveal party that said "Poppy" and "Queenie" (my sister had also made one that said Ninny, she is another one I grieve for.  She has a magnet that says, "being an aunt means never having to say NO" and she is confident that she will be able to live by it!). 

Today I am grieving for people who don't even know what they are missing out on.  People who didn't know me when I was pregnant and didn't know to be excited for her arrival, because I truly believe she was something great.  The world missed out on something amazing.  I know that good and beautiful things are working together because she was here for 21 weeks and 1 day, but today I am just sad that she wasn't here for longer.  Today I am sad for the people around me who are sad with me.  Who are missing her with me.  I am so blessed to have people who love Ella Grace as deeply as I do and who cherish her memory with me. 

Mom and Dad....Happy Grandparents Day.  No Angel could ever have asked for a better Queenie and Poppy!  She's a lucky little angel and I am a lucky girl too!  Love you both bigger than the whole wide world!

Forever Her Mommy,