I knew it was coming...

but I didn't expect it this soon! 

I pretty much knew that I could expect a "holiday meltdown."  The holidays are SO hard as a baby loss Mommy.  The Christmas before last I completely shut down and didn't want anything to do with it...I didn't put up a tree or any of my decorations.  I couldn't get into buying presents...nothing.  It was really sad. 
Last year was an amazing Christmas.  I was pregnant with Ella Grace and so full of hope.  She even got some Christmas presents.   It was one of my best Christmas' ever. 

Thursday night I had to get my Christmas decorations out for a "Holiday Craft Brunch" that I was helping to host today.  As I was pulling stuff out I told "A" that I would probably eventually have my "holiday meltdown" when I started decorating (AFTER Thanksgiving). 

As I was digging through all my decorations looking for the perfect things for the brunch I found our stockings...all 3 of them.  We should be able to hang all 3 on the fireplace this year...and even monogram Ella Grace's perfect name on her stocking.  Then I found my gold angel wings...2 of them.  Last year I found THE most perfect gold (all of my decorations are red and gold, I am a little a lot OCD about my tree, decorations and even wrapping paper matching..."A" calls it a sickness, but I prefer to think of it as a "gift") angels wings.  They are each a single wing and they are glittery and PERFECT!  I bought one for Peanut and one for NuNu so that they would have the most perfect ornament on our tree.  Now Ella Grace doesn't have one....I didn't think ahead and buy extras just in case I had more dead babies.  Now she is left out.  I don't know if I will ever find another perfect angel wing and now she won't have the perfect ornament for our tree. 

I completely lost it.  I am talking laying in the floor sobbing, lost it.  "A" came and sat with me and held me and consoled me and grieved with me.  (Have I mentioned how much I love this man and how perfect he is for me and that he is my soul mate?!?!) 

I went to bed shortly after that and slept so soundly in the arms of the man who loves me and Ella Grace's Daddy.  (And for those of you wondering, YES, I am still having dreams about pregnancy and babies almost every night). 

The holidays are going to be hard. 

I have to go back out of town tomorrow for the week and then...THANKSGIVING. 

Forever Her Mommy,