Haunting Dreams

I know to expect weird dreams during pregnancy. I mean, come on, this isn’t my first rodeo…it’s my 5th! But I have never had such vivid BAD dreams. Usually they are just strange and seem to be nonsensical, but a couple of nights ago I dreamed that BB died. We had to have another funeral and go through all of the “technicalities” that we did with Ella Grace. Of course, I had to deliver him and we had to decide where he was going to be buried. I also had to pick out another grave marker. This was THE most vivid part. I know exactly what his grave marker will look like. Every time I close my eyes I see it. I know that it will be on the left side of Ella Grace’s and it will be a mirror image of hers. I know that instead of an angel, his marker will have an imprint of a train. I know exactly how it will look and I HATE it. I can’t for the life of me picture what he will look like, what I will look like holding him, what “A” will look like napping with BB on his chest, but I know EXACTLY what his grave marker will look like. Let’s just say that it is causing some very long nights of me not really wanting to go to sleep. It is causing some major guilt (which I can’t really even explain or express), and MAJOR anxiety. BB is 20 weeks 2 days. Next Monday we will be 21w1day…exactly the same as when I delivered Ella Grace. We found out she was gone on exactly 21 weeks. I know that this looming “milestone” is probably at the root of my anxiety, but good lord!


Not to mention that we are coming up on our 4th wedding anniversary…which just happens to be Itty’s due date (yep, I have been pregnant since January and am still only 20 weeks, yep I am a little bitter!)…which just also happens to be “A’s” cousin’s girlfriend’s due date…with her little girl. Just sedate me now! (jk)

Sorry for the rambling, I am obviously having a bit of a breakdown!